About the Shiners

The History of the Wild Shiners

The Wild Shiners, a secretive Lake Wales Mardi Gras krewe, believe their clan originated in the Center of the Universe. To date, no one has been able to disprove the claim.

In the beginning, Assoul the Great lay down asleep after a night of hysterical debauchery and woke up in a puddle and the Wild Shiners were born, seen only as a reflection in the viscous liquid. From this moment the Shiners were spawned into the waters of Crooked Lake, now their ancestral home, and have multiplied. Although Assoul the Great has moved on to take his anointed place at the Center of the Shiner Universe, his followers carry on his great works clandestinely, surfacing publicly only at the Wild Shiner Ball and the Lake Wales Mardi Gras Parade. 2009-03

However, secret meeting halls are scattered hither and yon throughout the land wherever Wild Shiner signs are observed along roadsides. Once inside these secret crypts, upon uttering the appropriate secret mantra and making a secret subtle gesture, members then pass by the fish tanks and tackle and enter into the inner sanctum where they commune with their brothers and do, well, whatever Shiners do.

Yahvoul, the Exhausted Ruler-for-Life, ceremonially presides as El Presidente Emeritus over the Shiner Throng, but FloaTool maintains day to day order and productivity as the Minister of Motivational Inspiration. Fiduciary concerns are wrestled by Cheapfool, the Minister of Fiscal Alchemy.

The exact number of Wild Shiners extant today is not known, as they only surface ephemerally in small Skools. It is possibly that they number in the thousands. Nothing else is known about the Wild Shiners because all contact with the Shiners is siphoned through their Minister of Mis-Information, Awfool, who is a devious reprobate.

2009-01For two decades the Shiners, who emphatically deny any relationship to the Shriners (other than that their name is wholly contained within the word Shriners), have been throwing the wildly popular Wild Shiner Ball during the annual Mardi Gras celebration in Lake Wales. The group’s connection to the wild shiner bait fish is clouded in myth.

Back in the good old days, life was exciting……on a daily basis. Men ambushed wooly mammoths with spears while wearing skins of saber-toothed tigers slewn on previous mornings. Back at the cave they wrestled their women to the ground and mated them.

IMG_0597Man has since evolved to the present epoch where both sexes slither off to sit in square cubes and stare at rectangular screens for hours on end and talk, talk, talk while holding a small box to their ear. At night they go back to large box-shaped dwellings and stare silently into boxes with colored lights emanating from them, while eating boxed food of unknown origin. By no stretch of the imagination can this be considered exciting.

This state of perpetual hypnosis has created placid, harmonious societies across much of the world, except in unfortunate parts of the world where the small boxes with the moving lights are not found in high enough densities. In such places, people still engage in widespread mayhem regularly. This is not so here in the Land of Good Behavior. We never break outside the box.

DSCN0610Oh really? Unbeknownst to most of the populace, each year about the time of Mardi Gras, a throng of modern humans in central Florida gather in a large cave-like edifice for one evening of uncharacteristically unmodern mayhem. Primeval music activates gut instincts and generally sets things afire. A constellation of black lights creates an Aurora Borealis over the tribe of 2 legged, upright Neo-neanderthals.

This phenomenon is known as the Wild Shiner Ball and has occurred for, lo, the past two decades under the direction of a mysterious group, known, coincidentally, as the Wild Shiners. Although little is known about this group, they sure throw a great party.